I want to hear you call the name of god.

there you were

finally you appeared
in what may have been the truest
dream yet, the one that might have
gotten inside my heart

what i couldn't tell you

what i couldn't tell you
is that whenever i think
about your hands on my body
my knees go weak

i've had to pause
especially today
my balance distorts
i must reach out
to steady myself

then i realize
i'm smiling

yesterday

was a day
I took one step closer
to being single
bought myself
some condoms

this kind of day

was a time
when i had a day like this
i'd walk down to your office
all i'd have to do is to look at you
you knew

the door would shut

i confess to her

that i love women too

i had to leave the room

knew it was coming
had to leave the room

didn't want you to know
how that song takes me down

lays me down without
any secrets

something he used to say

He used to tell me with an odd laughter in his eyes and voice, that my nipples are bigger than Farrah Fawcett's. It is a strange notion. Makes me laugh, but I'm still not sure what to make of it.

how appropriate

it may be that the very last time ever
(before that last thing broke)
that we were gloriously
naked
and happy
you fucked me
in the ass

twenty four years later, he writes

'I'd "do" you, if you were 17.'
above a picture of me



i think several things:

i wasn't doing anyone when that picture was taken.

the truth that just now reveals itself
is that i doubt i would have
been able to handle it

i was doing the best that i could
just doing what i thought i needed
for the most part i got it right
(about myself but not the others)

i was blind
i think of the letter that another man wrote
though I always get them confused

after a night with a wonderful
Greek man - he wrote to me
"you are like a rock"

and I know he is right
I know my heart is in the middle
and cannot escape

let it go

really did
knew i wouldn't want to know
or remember where to find him
knew that there was nothing but
nothing to being in his arms

i admit

for the first time
that my desire is larger
than what is before me

no fantasy

i tried this afternoon
i really did
thought i'd try out
thinking about you
when i was otherwise engaged
you know, naked and experiencing
sensual pleasures
but the thoughts didn't work
all i did was think more about
where my mind needed to be
and why this wasn't working
and that was just distracting
even thinking about that most
beautiful powerful body naked
above me, around me
just didn't work

the jawline, the tears

looking at the picture
of him working, holding that instrument
i remember his face before my eyes
before his future became painfully obvious
and I ducked out
(it came true)
but none of that is relevant to this moment
to this memory

this memory is of his soul
his soul sleeping next to me
on an impossibly cold night
in the room of a stranger
and of him holding me
fingers alive, touching my arm like a neck
like the instrument I was in his hands

nearly wrecked my truck

I first saw you walking past the cemetary. I was listening to something and I was trying to remember to go to the library first. Time was running out and something was waiting for me (and I was done with two books). I was driving and pedestrians (if not in my immediate realm of driving) were irrelevant . I was paying attention. It just slipped right through my thoughts.

I was driving north down the east alley - does that have a name? The one that runs behind all of the buildings (that restaurant, the new tatoo parlor, the hardware, the 5 and 10 and the library among others). You know, it runs from the ball field to the elementary school. I was running out of time and something made me forget. Turn left when I meant to turn right. Was it just to see you?

I was on that hill next to the baptist church aching to cross Market street. Your gait caught my eye. Walked out of those years right toward me.

they fall, hot

unexpected, knowing
it is only too much for me

the real reason i said no

and i do know after that
you sought me out
we held each other
but didn't take time to mention
the truth
didn't even bother to really touch each other
beyond floating

now, years and years and years
have passed but i still dream of you
dream of you holding me

it was a surprise

to touch your body

i keep those doors closed
most of the time
but your firm embrace
knocked me off center
jostled them open just a little

what a surprise to feel you
so clearly, so solid, so alive

the briefest of moments are often the most powerful

i could tell that i shouldn't touch you

it was both of us
in that powerful state
susceptible to a knee trembler or two (or five)

was sure later
when your hand just brushed mine
and i came alive
open and warm

this is it, to keep me alive

the unbearable truth
is that even after these decades
have passed between us - so far apart -
you are like my breath

i have begun to gasp for you
it is inexplicable
you have been living in my dreams
too vivid for reason

there you are

there you are
in the shadows that i tried to touch
your spirit open,
cut without precision
ripped and bleeding
not bothering to know
that i would bind those wounds

dream

it woke me
your arms around me
body close
your warm whisper
into my hair
your admission
you’d been dreaming too